Now there’s a title I never imagined myself typing in this lifetime.
Ah, the Stanley Cup playoffs. A time to watch as our favorite unwashed jersey collects wing stain after wing stain, a time to throw octopus, fish, plastic rats (or even Peeps if Easter’s Game Six is necessary) to the ice, and a time for man fans to unite in a brotherhood of lazy solidarity, by allowing their chin whiskers to sprawl unchecked.
We all know the story: a couple guys stop each other amidst the cubicles, stroking their stubble, and saying to each other “Growing a playoff beard, right?” “Heck yea, right on brother!” followed by a high five, and super rally compliments from passers-by. Then, from a cubicle not to far away, the voice of a female perks up above the carpeted dividers, opining “Whatever, guys. Us girls got our own thing growin’ on here,” which is followed by a few chimes of “Right on, sister!”
The crowd decides to go back to work at this point, in an effort to not imagine sights that cannot be unseen.
So! What to do? This long-standing playoff tradition of joyful freedom should not be just for half of the population. Luckily, the answer is already here, and it hails, naturally, from the hockey nut-job nation of Canada. (And yes, the “nut-job” quip is fair, for a country that reschedules its intrusive political debates around a just-released playoff schedule. There is only room for debate on the failings of Zdeno Chara and the hated Boston Bruins, here.)
Ladies: get your “cheques” out and prepare them for Canada, as I present to you the genius that is “BEARDO,” the facial hair club for men, women, (and for any small child awesomely lucky enough to be forced to wear one of these things to school).
Aren’t they wonderful? Bonus uses can include “clever disguise for bank robberies,” “clever disguise for post-game Montreal riots,” and “clever disguise to complete your street-hip rapper Santa Claus costume.”
In any event, they are better than the alternative: